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at 23:39

This blog has been neglected..i've been busy. School is not as busy as it was. I thank God for that, the time to relax and go crazy is coming soon. The funny thing i am actually a little afraid of that. I dont quite know why but thinking about the holidays is making me a little uneasy. Maybe because this time i have no proper plan..i'm not travelling neither am i working.
Its absurd i've been so busy all the time and now when i'm about to have more free time i'm feeling uneasy. Weird.

What i want to do:
-shop (yes i hate to shop..but i do need some new clothes and shoes to make my closet look nice)
-read (all the books on war crimes that i can lay my hands on..)
-movies (horror, comedy, hindi films, war films..)
-start thinking about what to do next in life and maybe start learning how to drive
-plan the trips i'm going for this year and next year
-sign up for a class (yoga or a new language...gotta think about how i'm going to convince mother about this.)
-exercise


Its time for me to grow up, let me go i need to make my own mistakes and learn from them. Knowing that you will be there for me if i break is enough. But if you decide that you dont want to be there cos you have already warned me, i understand. We cant ask for too much. So i'm happy with what you have offered me.


at 23:54

It was easier to live when i didnt attempt to make sense of life. When i didnt care why things happened, just take it and move on. Now i analyse every situation and ask why it happens, how can people be so selfish or why we can be so spiteful. I wish i never asked myself.
I was pretty bitchy today. Sorry for that. I really am.


I kinda forgot about my responsibilities as the 'president' of the club. I'm really sorry but i was enjoying not being in power that i really forgot about the mess i had to clear before i hand it over.

My grades are slipping. I've become lazy and inconsistent. Sometimes i feel so messed up i wish i had a remote control to stop me from thinking.

Well thats about the negativity. Now to positive side of life. I am enjoying being alive and healthy (well i like to think i am), excited for the trips i'm going for. Missing my friends, cos i love them so much :D love love


at 13:17

I havent blogged in a while now, school has been busy busy busy, friends have been the same..annoying annoying annoying..hahaha ok i'm just kidding. I think very soon i will have no friends left. But its alright, i shall make friends with flowers, buildings, stationeries...you get the point right??



when things get bad..it will get good again cos nothing stays bad forever.



I have made a long list of movies i want to watch, books i want to read, people i want to meet (some of which would be impossible due to geographical location), things i want to try...all of that has to be done in a month... I'm excited for the holidays and besides the Hong Kong trip i really dont think i'm going to devote much time doing anything work-related. I want to enjoy this holiday before we move on to year 3. Yikes.


at 12:24

Unfortunately for me what you do or dont do still has an effect on me.
Just piss off entirely if you want. Dont linger around if you dont want to be here at all.



I'm waiting to see your pretty face with that silly grin plastered on, hearing your adorably loud laughter and screaming all my demands into your ears and making you all stressed up!!! Muahahahaha. Yes i am mean :) But i am mean only cos i love you.


Maybe it is indeed Goodbye at 20:48

So i stared at those words, slowly trying to take them all in one by one. Yes i remained quiet. What could i have said? Should i have tried to defend myself? I dont think its necessary anymore. Why i did what i did doesnt have to be looked at again and again. I dont even know why i did or say some of things i did. The entire episode drained me. It got me thinking about my precious haven i call friendship. I do not specially hand pick my friends, i make friends with just anybody. But how close we get depends on a lot of factors. Even after being close we may not stay close forever cos a lot more factors will play a part. But i dont have a handbook or guidebook of these factors, they are just based on gut feelings.
What you said, with whatever intentions you have, may not be received the way you sent it. Even after explaining it that person may still not see things your way.
I am upset i could not stop things from turning ugly.
I am irritated i felt like i was caught in the middle.

I continued to hang out with the rest cos when i'm with them i feel happy. I have to admit i have been selfish.
Thinking time could heal all wounds i decided to let time try to solve this. But i guess not. Nothing will heal the wounds we have caused each other. Maybe because we caused them unknowingly. We didnt know what we say or do could hurt another a certain way. By the time we found out its too late. The damage has been done.


WHY do i feel so much?? at 09:25

I didnt know it was so tough to get back to where i was. It is. I feel like a failure. I feel disgusted for feeling like a failure. I should not give up. If only it was easy to take as it is to give advices. Last night i was vulnerable. My exhausation made me behave in a way i never wanted you or anyone else to see me~ weak. True some of you have seen me weak. Now i just feel constantly weak. Like i'm just a presence floating with the wind. I'm not really doing much to change that.
I was told the journey is more important than the goal. I agree. Beautiful words, what would be more beautiful is if i actually start practising that. When someone gives me a good advice (good meaning something i agree with and think should be done) and i dont follow it, i feel as if i've disappointed not only myself but that person as well. Maybe thats one reason why i've always avoided approaching people about my problem. I wont feel vulnerable. I wont have to disappoint anyone. But no more. Feeling vulnerable makes me feel more human. Though now i'm starting to wonder what is it to be human? Caring for yourself and others? Or being selfish? If selfish is the answer then my friend i rather not be human.
When i look in the mirror and i see the dark circles i question if its all worth it? I'm turning 20 soon (well soon enough) do i really know what i want to do? Honestly right now i'm pretty lost. Maybe the break in March would be a good time to think about it? I want to live a little more like a child before i turn 20.

I have a lot of question marks. Life is a big question mark.
Yes this post is pretty serious. But my blog is not for entertainment purpose, if you want some entertainment go watch porn or something?


at 12:28

The start of my year 2 in school, marked the end of a part of me and marked the start of something in me. I never really gave much thought about it until really recently.
I guess when my mother left, i didnt really comprehend the impact it would have on me. I never really thought about the responsibilities i would have to take over. I never considered how much i would have to give up. Now its coming clear to me.
The past year i was pretty much more of a pessimist, i was tired with all the responsibilities i had. Some werent even mine to take. But i had to because there was no one else (what a pathetic excuse for dumping shit on someone!!) The more i think about it the more fed up i am. But i cant just throw them away and walk off. That wont be fair, neither will it be practical.

I was all about having fun, chilling with friends, talking crap, working hard to get good enough grades, enthusiatic about trying out new things.
Then i became cynical about things about people. I starting seeing people as selfish (well most are quite) i was overloaded with things i didnt want to deal with, things people my age dont have to deal with. All i wanted was to get out of it all. I was never a quitter but i had many thoughts of quitting and leaving. Leave to where, that i didnt know. I would often crave to have fun. Cos being at home wasnt fun, being in school wasnt fun anymore either. Tired became my most used word.

Thats going to change. No matter how much work it takes. I want my jolly self back. But of course this time there will be a balance i know my 'responsibilities' and i know what i want for myself. I really want to make this work for me and for the people around me. I dont want to constantly be gloomy and tired. Its really tiring to be tired all the time.

This post is amazingly therapeutic. Time to bring some joy in other people's lives instead of waiting for joy to come into mine. Looking at a friend smile can bring joy to you too.